The premise was undeniably good. Take a moment and think about it. Squaresoft, (the demi-gods that have made some of the best gaming experiences in the world, behind works like Final Fantasy VII, Chrono Trigger, Dragon Quest and Parasite Eve) and yes they were still Squaresoft back then, decided to do a beat-em-up. Imagine if you will Final Fantasy meets Double Dragon in a 3D environment. Oh, yes! It's almost enough to make you piss your dacks you could get that excited. However, the end result was something I don't think anyone would have foreseen.Now where to start with something that shouldn't have really been that hard. I mean it was almost done before in Ergeiz so the company should have had some kind of idea on what was actually getting done. The main characters are your typical square branded guys, a nacy spiky haired fag, a large and in charge muscle meat head and the smart assed wise cracking pretty boy. I nice touch however is that each character has his own specific trademark. Fag boy Sion is decked out in bright coloured, somewhat kingdom heart, clothes. Volt has a No cactuar sign on his jacket and pretty boy Kou gets some hardcore Celtic themed head to toe tattoo’s.
Graphically the game is awe inspiring. For a first wave PS2 game the visuals and CG (Square truly are CG kings) it's damn near on par with Final Fantasy X, the only game you can visually compare this to. The game is typical Square looking, bright characters and semi-interesting backgrounds and very cut-scene orientated, it's like 15mins of cut scenes, 2mins of fighting then wash and repeat. In game models are used for the most part, which means what you fight with performs in the cuts. So yeah, it looks pretty good.
Story wise it centres around three bouncers at a local bar. All are dark torn individuals that have ended up there for some reason or another. A 15 year old girl, Dominique, seems to work there as well and gets kidnapped by the evil Mikado Corporation. All the bouncers then, very quickly, decided to rescue the stupid bitch, pounding head along the way with all three of you kicking a multitude of ass at once. Dom and Sion obviously are the Tidus and Yuna in the story, so painfully obvious.
So, I guess your wondering what am I a fucking Nazi-commy-homo? What the hell is wrong with great graphics, Squaresoft & the story? Well unfortunately that's not an easy answer, it's plagued with common problems that makes if fall flat on it's shiny, CG coated ass. Really flat. Like Flockheart flat, no seriously, yeah, that flat.
Atrocious camera angles are the first thing you notice. You can't move it yourself either which is truly damn shit, and just has you running around in circles during battles to reposition it. The nacy characters that you never seem to connect with and repetitive game play. All you need to do is learn block and one combo and you've won it. That's it really, there's a skill system, but most of the moves are rubbish, and a "Trinity Move", where all the characters doa combo together. But you can't skip past the animation and it has to be initiated by a CPU controlled player and it doesn't even work on the last boss. Frustrating.
There's a level up system, if you can call it that. You start at rank "G" (for gay) and as you kill things your rank progresses to "S" (for Super gay). You earn BP that can be spent on learning new moves or upping 3 stats (health, power and defence). Play through the game 4 times and everything is maxed out. There's some shite unlockables for those that like to play multiplayer and a survival mode for those of you that like punishment and pube pulling frustration.
It’s really a shame to see such a good idea go to waste. You don't end up with any empathy for the characters and the ending will make you go "oh my god, all that for some robot twat, your fucking kidding me!". Game play is boring after 5 mins and I think the collision detection needed some tweaking, because I can't suck that bad. Thankfully there is an option to skip story scenes and even super pretty before its time graphics can't save it.
So what do I think of Squaresoft’s "The Bouncer"?
I'll give it a disappointing 65/100. The game play is just too crap and problems with the camera/mechanics nearly ended up with my new PS2 controller being flung trough my TV. It's pretty, don't get me wrong. You'll just be scratching you head after the 4 hours it took you to complete it, wondering where al your money has gone. I bought this game once, sold it, and just got it again, now I wish I didn't bother.